1. |
Loudhailer
04:20
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I'd enjoy this if it wasn't for him
Another story of how great I am
I could stop him, just enjoy the show
But he stops me worrying, my obsessive fan
I'm not living fast or dying young
Just like my ego should've done
Sticks his fingers in my fragile ears
Blocks my vision, except what he lets me see
I am bored of hearing about me
But I'm frightened of how small I might be
I can't help thinking if his words were true
You'd be watching me. Instead I'm watching you
I'm not living fast or dying young
Just like my ego should've done
Holds a mirror to me
Dazzling glare of his stare
And so he casts my shadow on the stage
Obscured by those who really should be there
Can't hear my words over his row
Stung by desperation
I'm not living fast or dying young
Just like me ego should've done
As the show starts, as the lights go down
In the silence he will call my name
Now my wealth has turned from diamond to emerald
Gold to verdigris, Schabziger from cream
My head's full like a balloon
In there it's all just hot air
My mind is fit to burst with vague ideas
But nothing I would ever share
And it all reminds me of me
The old dreams he tells me are gold
I'm not chasing rainbows any more
I'm chasing shadows in the cold
With his load on my back
My gait is slow and I'm late
I try to leave a footprint on the world
But I no longer carry any weight
And it all reminds me of me
The all-too-human race that I've run
I'm not living fast or dying young
Just like my ego should've done
And I'm not living fast or dying young
Just like my ego should've done
Just like my ego should've done
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2. |
Once More With Feeling
02:39
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Bored bored bored bored bored
Tired tired tired tired tired tired
Lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely
Fine fine fine
It's the same old song
It's been sung before
The words that fell like rocks
Eroded to pebbles now
Leaving me lost for words
All their juice has gone
Someone has got there first
And they said it best
The words are forged by giants
Minted with their face
Such is their currency
The edges worn smooth with use
To coin a cliché again
Think of the way you feel
Maybe no-one else
Ever has felt that way
But what if the words aren't there?
Feelings are bells in space
Clappers flapping but silently
No medium for resonance
And so we label the secret doors
Although the feeling might be only yours
Perhaps the words we use aren't quite right
But there's no alternative
And so we say
Love love love love love
Anger anger anger anger anger anger
Hate hate hate hate hate
Sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry
I tell myself
I mean every word
But words can mean anything
And it's words I tell myself with
Frustrated angry high
Tired embarrassed weary shy heartbroken
Lonely happy daft pensive
Melancholy bored
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3. |
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A homecoming queen who never left home
A heaven of lawns and smiles
Innocence before the fall
But we known how your table was laid, your Eden made
You really must be sweet to have such dreams
A place for everyone if they can pay
Bless your cotton socks
How the West was wrong
But we know it's a trick not a treat
But it's your street
And still you must be sweet to have such dreams
The sun sets here and on the world
And to the world you send your dream
And send your hands to keep you safe
They work your dream and you give thanks
You must be sweet to have such dreams...
To join your dream, we close our eyes
And close our mouths, good neighbours all
And every day will be the same
The sun sets here and on the world
You must be sweet to have such dreams
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4. |
Why We Have A Hell
06:28
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Giving and forgiving
Get, don't forget why we have a Hell
It's for you and your kind to dwell
I won't say
But if I had my way
You'd be brought to task
I won't act but you're kind to ask
Stand on the mountain of bodies you've made
Find the sky is a screen where illusion is played
"Raise your head, have it struck from your neck" is your threat
So while you get the world all we get is upset
With no life after this one are karma and wrong
Heavy phrases that weigh down the ignorant throng
Who wear fear as their shackles, content as their stocks
As if already punished for leaving their box
Prayers and betrayers
Caring and despairing, sinners and saints
Humane, restrained and the faint-hearted
When you pray what is it that you say?
Is it "God, please be real"?
So you pray like you check the mail
Some dynamism in the system holds back decay
But too much and the friction will wear it away
So we withdraw at your advent and scowl in your wake
But we'll never confront you for security's sake
Can we cope with the fact people do what they can
And there's no cosmic justice or balance or plan?
So just 'cause it seems like there's evil and Hell
Doesn't mean there's a Heaven or goodness as well
Passive and aggressive
We grind our teeth as we go slowly mad
Hell's the vengeance we never had
Easy to resent and envy you
We keep it to ourselves
We want you here but we're in Hell
Could it be?
Is this purgatory created for ourselves?
Every wannabe in their own Hell
Taken and forsaken
We choose to care and so we have a Hell
It's for us and our kind to dwell
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5. |
Slipping Into Shadow
06:05
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So long since I've been gone
On my satellite
Starshine, a look back in time
And here it's always night
And I was there and now I'm now there
I used to care and now I don't care
Don't look down
Don't see the shadow cast on the ground
I was the star
I'm the shadow now
Feels like such a short time
Rising, slowing down
A cold spark from a firework
That fell fast to the ground
The days have gone, dried up in the sun
The future's fast consumed by the past
Where'd it go?
Were those the same times that felt so slow?
My orbit turned me into shadow.
"Good morning world, any news of me?"
My slip from apogee to apathy
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6. |
Little Things Go Wrong
04:41
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You're on a tightrope, direct and dangerous
And you can't cope with distractions and you can't go backward
Your objective is survival after the terms that you have set
The net you make for yourself is a safety net
I have spent a day walking on your wire
But it's not my way and although I tried
Little things kept going wrong
You're in a submarine. it's claustrophic
You're cold and blind to the journey - ah!
The nets that you cast wide have caught you up inside
The things that mattered all along
Are not the little things that will go wrong
As animated clay I have spent a day
Living life your way but little things kept going wrong
Huh - They were important to me at the time, I can tell you
We could have had a paradise of poetry and sodas
Instead of all these hopeful rides and bitter codas
Whoever said no man's an island was an island
In a sea of the air that separates us
Today is a good day to make your dreams a reality
You have exercised your choice, you have used your voice
You don't know where your little boy is and yet you can be strong
But I won't go along
I have stayed at your hotel, I have walked your wire
I have eaten meat but I encountered just defeat
But if it works for you, that's neat
Little things go wrong, little things go wrong
Little things go wrong, little things go wrong
Little things keep going wrong
Oh, but I feel I can be strong
I have spent a day in your closet too
But I couldn't stay. I am not like you
Oh, litle things they will go wrong
As animated clay, I have spent a day
Sucking on your straws but the scheme had flaws
Could you help me lower the television out of the window?
Little things go wrong, little things go wrong,
Little things go wrong, little things go wrong
Little thigs go wrong
Is it pride or am I blind? What did I hope to find?
Every path has room for one and for me things keep going wrong
So they prodded me with a prong
We cast our shadows as we ride, we get caught as our own nets catch us up inside
And yet we can be strong
It must be nearly the end of the song
Little things go wrong, little things go wrong
Little things keep going wrong
Little things they will go wrong
3, 2, 1, wake up
We cast our shadows as we ride, we get caught as our own nets catch us up inside
And yet we can be strong
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7. |
Ghost Moments
06:07
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There's no reason we should have the same dialogue, just like everyone, just like everyone does
Our uniqueness is what drew us together, not like anyone, not like anyone else
Because this is our way, it's our own story, it's like a secret play or a fairy tale
A private treasure, possessed together, and nothing's really true but what we tell ourselves
I don't ask questions, I get no answers, I take things as they come, I'll have no dreams to mourn
If my in-jokes are like out-of-date passwords, trying to connect, trying to connect
There's no reason we should have the same dialogue, as each other, not like each other at all
Oh, but this is our way, not the same play, nothing to betray, I've not embarrassed you
The words we didn't say, "this is what I want", I don't know how I know it's important not to care
I thought my acting innocent was tact but now it seems it's matter-of-fact
I lay a tribute, all of it mine, outside of your indifferent shrine
Began, believing, behaviour belied, delight, delicious desire denied
I know that I was right not to boast because it seems those moments are ghosts
And I will remember you, as I played Bosom Buckaroo, and even when you slept you had your back to me
And I'm just a bit low, and what do I know? And nothing's really lost as there was nothing there
So stop me talking, and stop me thinking, I know that I'm too old to believe in fairy tales
So this is our way, close and yet cold, close and far apart, strangers in the buff
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8. |
Entropy Victim
06:40
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(Beep! Beep! Beep!
Snooze
Beep! Beep! Beep!)
Waking from uneasy dreams
Fall through a fracture in crazy-pave dreams
(Ripped at the seams)
Flailing to stop the alarm
Hand crashes down and it shatters apart
(That's just the start)
Should've just stayed asleep! It's just cogs and circuits now!
Like an ungrateful-king! Kill-the-messenger!
I think I am not on form
This is not my finest hour
Cracks spreading out like a frozen lake
So very dangerous, being awake
Not so much "if it breaks" more like "when"
Over and over and over again
He was condemned to be from the start
A victim of entropy, falling apart
Disaster, calamity, casualty
Apathy, atrophy, entropy
The floor buckles under my weight
And it folds like a tablecloth pulled through a drain
(Over again)
And people will follow me down
Like grains in an hourglass they fall through the ground
(Like it was sand)
Breaking down! Taking all with him!
Crash and burn! Smash and turn to dust!
His shadow, disorder and chaos and hurt
He's wearing catastrophe like a shirt
Leaving destruction wherever he goes
Like Buster Keaton's collapsing house
He was condemned to be, from the start
A victim of entropy falling apart
Like today's warranty has expired!
Du Musst Amboss oder Hammer sein
Falling apart
I think I am not on form
This is not my finest hour
Well, time will heal
But time will hurt as well
And when I
Go to help, it all will
Go to Hell and back again
I can't think straight (go back to bed!)
Oh my head aches (not just your head!)
Crashing! Collapsing! (It never ends)
I'll wreck my world (and destroy your friends)
I'm a mass of nerves
Throwing the day awry, and I (and feel that I)
Make it worse, and
I am a fool to try to apologise
I don't mean to (yet all the same)
I can't help it (who should we blame?)
Don't come near me (disaster king)
I'm falling apart (like everything...)
Everything turning to ash in his tread
Wishing that I had just stayed in bed
Decay as his touch leaves an acid stain
Over and over and over again
Unravelling hurricane centred on me
Catastrophe, atropy, entropy
He was condemned to be from the start
A victim of entropy, falling apart
Disaster, calamity, casualty
Apathy, atrophy, entropy
Even the ground is no longer my friend
Refusing to swallow me up in the end
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9. |
The Last Three Minutes
03:04
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These are the last three minutes. This is the end.
Every footstep has led to this place.
Every ticking clock, heartbeat and breath has been counting down to this moment.
We lit beacons along the road, to mark each stage of the journey.
Signposts of the present now stretch back to mark the past. This is where the road leads to.
This is history's grave.
Anything you wanted to do: do it, don't do it.
Anything you wanted to say: say it, don't say it.
Hold hands, don't hold hands.
No-one will be left to care.
Every mistake will be forgotten. Every celebration too.
Shake your fist against oblivion: care, don't care.
It matters, it doesn't matter, it's up to you.
Our memories were the props that supported history.
The stars are out - literally - and as the air escapes from history's balloon, it loses its shape.
Here we go...
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10. |
Wake Up! Wake Up!
04:21
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There's a man in my bed asleep again
Do all I can, shake my head, it's all in vain
Through the door, shines the sun, so bright in here
And what's more everyone from his life is here
Don't try calling, he won't hear
Wake up and dig your heels in
It's just a dream you're in now
Wake up and dig your heels in
Wake up and get stuck in now
Wake up, it's time to begin
It's just we worry about you
Wake up and dig your heels in
And we want you here with us too
Wake up and pull your finger out
Look at the state you're in now
All his friends tell him how he's missing out
But in the end which is now or thenabout
He was the person who decided to wrap himself up
Closed his eyes, drifted off and he didn't wake up
We shake his shoulders, call his name
The dreams must seem so real
But he's not reaching anyone
And all that remains is a ghost in his chair
We take his hands but we just leave him there
We hear his voice as he talks in his dream
"Just five more minutes" he says but we scream-
Wake up...
There's a man in my bed asleep again
Done all I can, shake my head, it's all in vain
Wander away one by one to live our day
Passing by now and then but he chose to stay
Lungs full, arms out, we all shout...
Wake up, wake up...
Wake up and dig your heels in
It's just a dream you're in now
Wake up and dig your heels in
Wake up and get stuck in now
Wake up, it's time to begin
It's just we worry about you
Wake up and dig your heels in
And we want you here with us too
Wake up, it's time to begin
It's just a dream you're in now
Wake up and dig your heels in
Wake up and get stuck in now
Time for the day to begin
It's just we worry about you
Wake up and dig your heels in
And we want you here with us too
Wake up and get stuck in now
It's just we worry about you
Wake up and pull your finger out
We want you here with us too
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11. |
Let The Path Grow Over
04:12
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The mind can be thought of as a field.
The most frequently-travelled routes leave paths along the grass and likewise in our mental make-up.
These routes are a map of our emotional destinations.
They indicate that the territory they lead us to is a familiar destination.
The deeper and clearer the path, the more frequently it's taken and the easier it is to go.
In town planning, these are called 'desire lines'.
But often with the mind the journeys taken are *not* desired.
But even reluctant journeys will leave tracks if they're taken enough and the place the tracks lead to becomes easier to find.
I worry that you've left a trail of regret that killed the grass and marked a path.
So do yourself a favour - and let the path grow over.
Let the scum settle at the bottom of the kettle.
Easier said than done, of course, to wipe the only past we have away.
But let the path grow over - and do yourself a favour.
Atoms consist largely of nothing.
So do our thoughts, which might therefore be considered just as real.
But there's a grain of truth to the real things.
Apparently, in the case of people, this is literally so.
Our actual condensed matter, without the empty space, is said to be the size of a grain of salt.
Anyway, the danger is that that tiny mote of reality, that anchor, is lost with our memories, perhaps in the way film can record sound and vision but not taste, smell and touch.
Anyway, looking into the past means there's no way to distinguish between real events and imagined ones.
Old paths are like scars in the ground, and wounding experiences can leave scars across the memory.
But those tracks don't have to be from real injuries, just perceived ones.
And secrets, too, leave their landmarks.
I worry that all you'll remember from today are the failures.
You've made a direct route to the thorns.
So do yourself a favour - and let the path grow over.
Let the scum settle at the bottom of the kettle.
I spend days just forgetting to.
It should be the easiest thing to do.
But let the path grow over - and do yourself a favour.
I spend days just forgetting too.
It should be the easiest thing to do in the world.
But let the path grow over - and do yourself a favour.
You can landscape your garden as you want.
Find some new destinations, places that you actually want to go to.
Make some new paths and let the old ways be lost.
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John Callaghan UK
John Callaghan is an unusual songwriter / performer of thoughtful and spiky electronica from Birmingham
(UK).
More of his songs can be found at bleep.com/artist/153 (the stuff on Warp Records, basically, including "I'm Not Comfortable Inside My Mind").
He is 173cm tall, weights 73kg and has a blood pressure of 110/60Hg.
... more
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